


Kasius Why Do You Talk Like This

by lazyfish



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Background Relationships, Crack, F/F, F/M, Group chat, I guess there's some angst too, does it count as major character death if the character comes back?, idk but i'm tagging it just in case, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-05-26 23:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15012065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazyfish/pseuds/lazyfish
Summary: Daisy creates a group chat for the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and it goes about as well as you'd expect (that is - not well at all).





	1. Kasius Why Do You Talk Like This

**quake** has created the chat  _ shield _

**quake** has added  **caps-biggest-fan** ,  **mulan-rouge, fitz, simmons, mack-attack,** and  **yo-yo-yo** to the chat  _ shield _

 

**quake:** hold on a sec

**mack-attack:** ???

 

**quake** has added  **mockingbird** and  **mockingbirds-husband** to the chat  _ shield _

 

**mockingbird:** pretty sure this is a violation of some sort of agreement

**quake:** the government doesn’t care about group chats

**caps-biggest-fan:** that’s a lie and you know it

**quake:** the government doesn’t care about  _ this _ group chat because they don’t know it exists?

**simmons:** daisy, we  _ are _ the government!

**quake:** first, lame. second, you and fitz need better screen names. 

**fitz:** at least our screen names aren’t based upon our relationships to other people!

**mockingbird:** oh, i totally made hunter’s account for him

**mockingbird:** he’s useless at technology

**quake:** I REMEMBER

**quake:** god that was painful

**quake:** so are you guys, like, married again?

**mockingbird:** it’s complicated

**mulan-rouge:** when isn’t it with you two?

**quake:** congrats on making may speak, bobbi

**mockingbird:** one of my many talents

**quake:** dad can we keep them 

**caps-biggest-fan:** ask your mother

**quake:** maaaay can hunter and bobbi pretty please stay in the group chat???

**quake:** or just bobbi

**mulan-rouge:** we can keep both of them

**mulan-rouge:** bobbi will show hunter everything anyways

**quake:** hunter’s being uncharacteristically quiet

**mockingbird:** that’s because he’s asleep

**quake:** it’s four in the afternoon

**mockingbird:** lmao daisy it’s three a.m. for us

**quake:** fitz! simmons! what timezone are they in

**simmons:** gmt+5

**fitz:** daylight savings is so stupid

**fitz:** makes timezones so hard to calculate

**mack-attack:** you are a literal genius, stop complaining

**simmons:** bobbi, are you in the maldives!?

**mockingbird:** can neither confirm nor deny

**mack-attack:** is there a reason you put us all in a group chat, tremors?

**quake:** ...because we’re friends and that’s the sort of thing friends do?

**mack-attack:** fair

**simmons:** what about piper and davis?

**quake:** nononono

**quake:** if i let piper think she’s my  _ friend _ then she’s not going to pick up on my ‘i’m hella queer’ hints

**quake:** and if we add davis he’ll tell piper

**quake:** and then piper will think i hate her

**quake:** and everything will be ruined

**simmons:** being in a group chat with someone does not disqualify you from being romantically involved with them

**simmons:** see: myself and fitz, mack and elena, bobbi and hunter

**mockingbird:** mack and who now!?

**yo-yo-yo:** hi

**mockingbird:** _ alphonso _

**mockingbird:** how dare you keep this from me

**mack-attack:** we all do remember how literally ten minutes ago we thought we’d never speak to each other again, right?

**mack-attack:** that wasn’t just me?

**mockingbird:** stop deflecting

**mockingbird:** or i’ll wake up hunter

**mack-attack:** please don’t

**quake:** please do!!!

**quake:** i love group chat drama

 

**simmons** has added  **the-pied-piper** and  **davis** to the chat  _ shield _

 

**quake:** jemma, we will be having words

**mockingbird:** good news: hunter is awake

**mockingbird:** bad news: he is not interested in reprimanding mack for me

**mockingbird:** good news: he is interested in doing other things

**mockingbird:** bobbi out

**the-pied-piper:** who was that?

**caps-biggest-fan:** that’s classified

**the-pied-piper:** yessir

**davis:** with all due respect, sir, i don’t think the identity of a participant in our group chat can be classified

**quake:** it’s just bobbi, she’s an old friend

**the-pied-piper:** cool :)

**quake:** :)

**caps-biggest-fan:** shouldn’t you all be working?

**quake:** it’s my day off

**the-pied-piper:** mine too!

**yo-yo-yo:** all i said was hi. i’m doing my job

**fitz:** voice-to-text

**simmons:** i’m waiting for some samples to finish separating

**davis:** no one knows what i do

**mack-attack:** inventory is boring

**mulan-rouge:** i don’t need to make excuses to you

**caps-biggest-fan:** why did i do this to myself

**davis:** actually, sir, i’m pretty sure daisy did this

**quake:** wait can you guys read the chat before you were added

**davis:** no, but no one else would think to have a group chat

**the-pied-piper:** did we miss something important?

**quake:** NO

**quake:** ABSOLUTELY NOT

**yo-yo-yo:** that answer is not suspicious whatsoever

**quake:** shut up

**yo-yo-yo:** :(

**caps-biggest-fan:** no talk! work!

 

**quake** has changed  **fitz** ’s display name to  **leopold james fitz, first of his name**

**quake** has changed  **simmons** ’s display name to  **gay for bobbi morse**

 

**leopold james fitz, first of his name:** NO

**gay for bobbi morse:** DAISY

**gay for bobbi morse:** WHAT ARE YOU DOING

**quake:** i’m boredddd

 

**gay for bobbi morse** has changed her display name to  **english breakfast**

**quake** has changed  **leopold james fitz, first of his name** ’s display name to  **scotland 5ever**

 

**scotland 5ever:** i can’t decide which is worse

**english breakfast:** i will never be able to look bobbi in the eye again

**quake:** dude, everyone in this chat has had a crush on bobbi

**caps-biggest-fan:** i haven’t

**quake:** that’s cuz you’re old

**caps-biggest-fan:** :(

**quake:** sorry dad

**the-pied-piper:** i don’t know who bobbi is, so i’m with you, sir

**quake:** [bobbi.jpg]

**the-pied-piper:** i just got like two steps gayer

**quake:** ikr?

**quake:** bobbi morse, making girls question their sexuality since…

**quake:** simmonsssss how old is bobbi

**english breakfast:** it would be rude to tell

**english breakfast:** also, why do you have a picture of bobbi saved on your phone

**quake:** so i don’t conveniently forget about her existence for several plot arcs

**quake:** duh

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful** has entered the group chat  _ shield _

**sinara** has entered the group chat  _ shield _

 

**quake:** uhhh

**quake:** i’m pretty sure this breaks some law of physics

**scotland 5ever:** it most certainly does

**scotland 5ever:** i love inexplicable plot twists

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** SILENCE

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Have Come Bearing Great New For You Terrans

**quake:** Kasius Why Do You Talk Like This

**sinara:** don’t encourage him

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara You Are The Worst Girlfriend Ever

**yo-yo-yo:** oh, you guys are together?

**yo-yo-yo:** i thought you were siblings

**yo-yo-yo:** this is even more awkward than the time everyone thought fitz and simmons were related…

**english breakfast:** how do you know about that!?

**yo-yo-yo:** i have my sources

**mack-attack:** wasn’t me

**quake:** oh yeah that was totally my fault

**quake:** sorry guys

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara And I Are Not Related

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Now Listen To My Good News

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara And I Are Coming To Terra For A “Vacation”

**mulan-rouge:** our opinions of what constitutes ‘good news’ are very different

**quake:** do you want us to like, show you around?

**quake:** because that’s a hard no from me

**sinara:** it was not a request

 

**quake** has changed  **kasius-the-great-and-powerful** ’s display name to  **smurf**

**quake** has changed  **sinara** ’s display name to  **smurfette**

 

**smurf:** Undo These Changes Immediately

**smurfette:** if you value your lives, you would obey his command

**yo-yo-yo:** nahhh

**quake:** what she said

**mockingbird:** i leave for like thirty minutes and there are smurfs in our group chat?

**mack-attack:** just go back to shoving your tongue in hunter’s mouth

**mockingbird:** somebody’s touchy

**quake:** he’s just worried you’re going to tell hunter

**smurf:** I Do Not Want To See Anyone’s Tongue In Another’s Mouth

**quake:** that’s probably because nobody wants their tongue in your mouth

**smurf:** I Do Not Even Want My Tongue In My Mouth

**smurfette:** i can fix that for you

**smurf:** Sinara Please Do Not Cut Out My Tongue

**quake:** is this alien flirting?

**the-pied-piper:** hey daisy, want to cut my tongue out of my mouth? ;)

**mockingbirds-husband:** gay

**mack-attack:** real mature, hunter

**mockingbirds-husband:** oh, this is still bobbi

**mockingbirds-husband:** my phone died so i stole hunter’s

**mockingbirds-husband:** i love being married

**mulan-rouge:** someone screenshot that

**english breakfast:** i’ll add it to my huntingbird file

**mockingbirds-husband:** you have a file???

**smurf:** I Have A File Of Every Creature Sinara Has Terminated

**smurfette:** it is a large file

**mockingbirds-husband:** ...charming

**english breakfast:** also, we totally found your fitzsimmons file

**english breakfast:** so don’t act like you’re innocent

**mockingbirds-husband:** WELL IT WORKED

**scotland 5ever:** no thanks to you

**mockingbirds-husband:** _ sorry _ for getting disavowed

**mulan-rouge:** kids, don’t fight

**caps-biggest-fan:** we’re having a team meeting

**caps-biggest-fan:** this group chat has existed for an hour and it’s already giving me ulcers

**mockingbirds-husband:** have fun at your meeting, guys

**smurf:** Sinara And I Will Find Other Ways To Occupy Our Time

**quake:** ew ew ew alien sex

**mockingbirds-husband:** is this how other people feel when i do it

**quake:** no

**quake:** at least you and hunter are capable of love

**smurfette:** love is for children

**caps-biggest-fan:** MEETING. NOW.

  
**caps-biggest-fan** has muted the chat  _ shield _ . The mute will end in  **15 minutes** .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY LOVE, SINARA_SMITH! I hope you enjoy this crazy crack borne of our various conversations about how bad I am at writing Kasinara. :)


	2. Kasius You Are So Stupid

**quake** has created the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

**quake** has added **fitz, simmons, mack-attack, yo-yo-yo, mockingbird, mockingbirds-husband,** and  **the-pied-piper** to the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

 

**simmons:** coulson’s instructions were not ambiguous daisy

**simmons:** what part of ‘no more group chats’ did you not understand?

**quake:** the ‘no’ part

**the-pied-piper:** lol

 

**quake** has changed  **simmons** ’s display name to  **snitches get stitches**

 

**snitches get stitches:** sometimes i wonder about you

**quake:** shhhh you love me

**quake:** and you’re not going to tattle, right?

 

**snitches get stitches** has changed her display name to  **zipped-lips**

 

**quake:** i love you jemmaaaa

**zipped-lips:** if i lose my job i’m blaming it on you

**fitz:** maybe then we can take a vacation

**fitz:** have a real honeymoon

**mack-attack:** when i get married, i’m going to have a honeymoon if it kills me

**yo-yo-yo:** don’t tempt the universe, turtle man

 

**quake** has changed  **fitz** ’s display name to  **turbo**

 

**turbo:** i will accept this

**mack-attack:** i don’t like sharing my nicknames!!

**mack-attack:** it’s an us thing

**turbo:** i’m sorry but i cannot spend my time as ‘scotland 5ever’

 

**mack-attack** has changed  **fitz** ’s display name to  **scotland 6ever**

 

**scotland 6ever:** you see, at times like these i remember exactly why you and hunter were friends

**mockingbirds-husband:** _ were _ ? :(

**mack-attack:** we still are friends hunter

**mack-attack:** if you really are hunter

 

**mockingbirds-husband** has changed his display name to  **probably hunter**

 

**probably hunter:** guess you’ll never find out

**quake:** can you send a picture of bobbi? for posterity?

**probably hunter:** _ mine _

 

**quake** has changed  **probably hunter** ’s display name to  **definitely hunter**

 

**quake:** you are so possessive

**definitely hunter:** i have not had to share bobbi for two whole years

**definitely hunter:** i am trying to learn how again

**quake:** and i am giving you a perfectly good opportunity!

**mack-attack:** don’t push it, tremors

**mockingbird:** please don’t

**mockingbird:** he’s already clingy enough as it is

**definitely hunter:** :(

**mockingbird:** i love you, shut up

**the-pied-piper:** do you two… sleep?

**mockingbird:** occasionally

**definitely hunter:** when we feel like it

**the-pied-piper:** sleep… isn’t… optional…? 

**definitely hunter:** maybe for you it isn’t

**mockingbird:** but we aren’t quitters

**quake:** can you guys not finish each other’s sentences? it’s weird

**mockingbird:** we’re literally sitting next to each other

**mockingbird:** hunter is watching me type this

**quake:** oh

**definitely hunter:** we’re not telepathic

**mockingbird:** do you really think i want to hear his thoughts?

**mack-attack:** sorry, bobbi, but you can be a bit of a narcissist

**mack-attack:** so hearing a constant stream of how hot you look does seem right up your alley

**mockingbird:** i considered getting offended but it’s kind of true

**mockingbird:** but listening to how hot other people look? no

**definitely hunter:** why would i look at other people when i have you?

**quake:** what the actual fuck

**quake:** that was actually kind of romantic

**quake:** i need a moment

**the-pied-piper:** there, there

**the-pied-piper:** stranger things have happened

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful** has entered the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

**sinara** has entered the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

 

**the-pied-piper:** ...i take full responsibility for this one

 

**quake** has changed  **kasius-the-great-and-powerful** ’s display name to  **smurf**

**quake** has changed  **sinara** ’s display name to  **smurfette**

 

**quake:** this way i don’t want to kill them as much

**quake:** seriously, how did you guys find this chat!?!?

**the-pied-piper:** speak of the devil and he will come

 

**hellbeast** has entered the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

 

**hellbeast:** does someone need a spirit of vengeance

**quake:** robbie!?!

**mockingbird:** SOMEONE STOLE MY NICKNAME

**mockingbird:** HUNTER :(

 

**zipped-lips** has changed  **hellbeast** ’s display name to  **thieving anthophila**

 

**thieving anthophila:** ???

**zipped-lips:** it’s rob+bee

**scotland 6ever:** clever!

**smurf:** Excuse Me I Am More Important Than A Lowly Thief Pay Attention To Me

**thieving anthophila:** i don’t get why i had to change my name but okay

**zipped-lips:** because it’s bobbi’s

**thieving anthophila:** i don’t know who that is

**mockingbird:** ouch

**definitely hunter:** she is a hellbeast

**definitely hunter:** but she is my hellbeast

**smurf:** Sinara Would You Like To Be My Hellbeast

**quake:** the whole point is that there’s only one

**quake:** Kasius You Are So Stupid

**smurfette:** i told you not to encourage him

**zipped-lips:** yeah, we’re not really big on listening here

**smurf:** That Much Is Clear

**the-pied-piper:** daisy i’ll pay you five bucks if you manage to get kasius to talk Not Like This

**quake:** change the wager to a date and i’m in

**the-pied-piper:** deal

**quake:** kasius sinara is ugly

**smurf:** NO SHE’S NOT!!!

**the-pied-piper:** ...so how’s friday at eight sound?

**quake:** excellent. :)

**thieving anthophila:** damn, daisy. i need to get that smooth

**quake:** all in time, roberto

**mack-attack:** awkward stuttering works too

**definitely hunter:** still not sure how i managed to get married twice tbh

**quake:** no one does hunter

**definitely hunter:** :(

**smurf:** Marriage Is A Strange Terran Concept

**quake:** that is the first intelligent sentence you’ve said

**the-pied-piper:** is anyone else still curious as to how they got into the chat

**yo-yo-yo:** don’t ask questions if you’re not prepared for the answers

**yo-yo-yo:** i’m done with this alien shit

**mack-attack:** ditto

**mockingbird:** ngl, i’m happy we missed that

**definitely hunter:** speak for yourself, i put fitz in a cryo chamber

**mockingbird:** oh right

**mockingbird:** sorry i missed that

**mockingbird:** i was busy

**scotland 6ever:** doing what?

**definitely hunter:** more like ‘doing who’

**mack-attack:** please don’t start another domestic squabble in the group chat

**mockingbird:** it was a joke

**mockingbird:** i was fishing hunter’s wedding ring out of the ocean

**mockingbird:** and i did  _ not _ have sex with the scuba instructor because i love my husband

**smurfette:** i do not understand this logic

**smurf:** Sinara Not Everyone Is As Virile As I Am

**smurf:** Mockingbird May Need Another Partner To Meet Her Needs

**Smurf:** This May Make Her Primary Partner Uncomfortable

**the-pied-piper:** asdfghjkl;

**mockingbird:** hunter’s bright red

**quake:** well kasius is bright blue so

**scotland 6ever:** together they make purple!

**smurf:** I Am Not Procreating With A Terran

**definitely hunter:** no thanks on this end either

**zipped-lips:** well kree and humans are biologically compatible

**quake:** please stop before i puke

**quake:** also, fitz, why was your first thought ‘they make purple’?

**quake:** like, wtf dude

**the-pied-piper:** i bet we could make a whole rainbow 

**definitely hunter:** gay

**the-pied-piper:** oh definitely 

**mack-attack:** moving on…

**thieving anthophila:** you guys discuss some weird shit

**thieving anthophila:** i literally went to hell to escape you and i’m considering going back

**quake:** well kasius and sinara are from the future so our group chat breaks the natural order

**quake:** but sure, give it a shot

**thieving anthophila:** point taken

**thieving anthophila:** well i also only joined the chat because i have a phone alert for any time someone says ‘speak of the devil’

**quake:** you’re a melodramatic little fucker

**thieving anthophila:** yes, because you are not melodramatic whatsoever

**quake:** don’t make me punch you

**mack-attack:** why can’t we just have a pleasant conversation, with no threat of violence?

**smurfette:** because violence is fun

**quake:** siiiiigh

**mack-attack:** are you going to give her the violence speech?

**scotland 6ever:** we don’t need to hear the violence speech again mack

**zipped-lips:** so, uh, funny story

**zipped-lips:** coulson may or may not have heard my phone buzzing all the time

**zipped-lips:** and he may or may not have discovered this group chat

**zipped-lips:** sorrydaisy

 

**caps-biggest-fan** has entered the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _

 

**caps-biggest-fan:** kids these days never listen

**caps-biggest-fan:** no more group chat or no more phones

**quake:** but daaaad

**caps-biggest-fan:** no buts

  
**caps-biggest-fan** has muted the chat  _ don’t tell coulson _ . The mute will end in  **15 minutes** .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun with the last chapter that I just couldn't help myself. Woops.


	3. Kasius I Am Not Your Friend

**quake** has created the chat  _ blue man group _

**quake** has added  **kasius-the-great-and-powerful** and  **sinara** to the chat  _ blue man group _

 

**quake:** will you stop barging into my other chats now

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Will Consider It

**quake:** thank you

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Have Considered Long Enough

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** No.

**quake:** ughhhh

**quake:** Kasius I Am Not Your Friend

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** And I Do Not Want To Be Your Friend

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Just Like Group Chats

**quake:** well if you’re going to keep busting in can you like, apologize for keeping me as a slave?

**quake:** because that was  _ not cool _

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** But I Am Not Sorry

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** It Would Be Wrong To Lie

**quake:** _ now _ you have a sense of morality?

**sinara:** kasius has always had a sense of morality

**sinara:** it is just different from yours

**quake:** i give up

 

**quake** has left the chat  _ blue man group _

 

**quake** has created the chat  _ super secret spies _

**quake** has added  **mockingbird** and  **mockingbirds-husband** to the chat  _ super secret spies _

 

**quake:** you are the only people i can trust

**mockingbirds-husband:** trust??? bobbi what is this word

**mockingbird:** fuck if i know

**quake:** right, mr. and mrs. trust issues

**quake:** all i meant is you two aren’t on base so coulson can’t figure out i’m in a group chat with you

**mockingbird:** daisy, i think you have a problem

**mockingbird:** why are you so obsessed with group chats

**quake:** [generic angsty comment]

**mockingbirds-husband:** ...did you really just write ‘generic angsty comment’

**quake:** do you want to hear about my tortured childhood?

**mockingbirds-husband:** ok fair

**mockingbird:** daisy i love you but i don’t think your tortured childhood has anything to do with the group chat obsession

**quake:** i hate your interrogator mode, you know that?

**mockingbird:** yeah yeah

**mockingbird:** spit it out

**quake:** idk man

**quake:** things just went to hell for a little while

**quake:** and i guess group chat kind of screams ‘everything is okay again’

**mockingbird:** and that’s okay, honey

**mockingbird:** but seriously, not everything  _ needs _ a group chat

**mockingbird:** there’s these things called one-on-one conversations

**mockingbird:** they’re wild

**quake:** well since hunter isn’t responding this is basically a one-on-one

**mockingbird:** well he’s not responding because i told him to get milk

**quake:** and he listened?

**quake:** wild

**mockingbird:** i used the ‘i am your wife’ card

**mockingbird:** i love that card

**quake:** this is a convenient segway

**mockingbird:** segue

**quake:** ???

**mockingbird:** segway is what you ride on, segue is a transition from one topic to another

**quake:** :/

**quake:** i forget that you’re a mega nerd

**mockingbird:** anyways. you were saying

**quake:** yeah, about that whole romance thing

**quake:** how do

**mockingbirds-husband:** don’t

**mockingbirds-husband:** sexual tension and mutual pining are the only things you need for a healthy relationships

**mockingbirds-husband:** also you both totally missed a dick joke

**mockingbirds-husband:** “what you ride on”

**mockingbirds-husband:** come on bobbi

**mockingbird:** honey

**mockingbird:** we need more milk

**mockingbirds-husband:** i??? literally??? just??? got??? milk???

**mockingbird:** i want chocolate milk

**mockingbirds-husband:** yes, oh darling dear wife of mine

**mockingbirds-husband:** mother of my child

**quake:** !?!?!?!

**mockingbirds-husband:** oops

**quake:** did he run away

**mockingbird:** what do you think

**quake:** valid

**mockingbird:** anyways, romance

**quake:** are we just not going to talk about the other thing

**mockingbird:** absolutely not

**mockingbird:** repression is my middle name

**quake:** right

**quake:** you’ve dated girls, right?

**mockingbird:** yeah

**mockingbird:** i thought you had, too?

**quake:** no, just crushes

 

**sinara** has entered the chat  _ super secret spies _

 

**sinara:** there was discussion of crushing

**sinara:** i will crush your enemies for you

**quake:** ughhhh

**quake:** not that kind of crush

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful** has entered the chat  _ super secret spies _

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara Why Did You Leave Me

**sinara:** there was crushing to be done

**quake:** again, we are  _ not _ friends

**sinara:** do you need to be friends with someone to crush their enemies?

**quake:** okay, i see you, sinara

**quake:** but like… didn’t you use to want to crush me?

**sinara:** yes

**sinara:** but i am rather fond of your…

**sinara:** spunk

**quake:** ho-kay, this is weird

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Why Is The Bird Woman Not Speaking

**mockingbird:** i’m just literally vomiting, nbd

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** You Are Using The Word Literally Wrong

**mockingbird:** no i’m not

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** You Are Texting While Throwing Up?

**mockingbird:** yes

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Impressive

**mockingbird:** thanks super smurf

**quake:** this entire conversation is making my head hurt

**quake:** bobbi pls don’t become friends with kasius

**mockingbirds-husband:** she says ‘not planning on it’

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Good

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** This Does Not Make Me Even A Little Sad

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mockingbirds-husband**

 

**quake:** is everything okay?

**mockingbirds-husband:** yeah, she’s fine

**mockingbirds-husband:** i’ve got her hair and some water and a toothbrush

**mockingbirds-husband:** i’m sorry we didn’t get to give you advice about your date before blue & magenta showed up

**quake:** they’re both blue?

**mockingbirds-husband:** did you not watch blue’s clues

**quake:** uh, no

**mockingbirds-husband:** bummer

**mockingbirds-husband:** bobbi wants to make sure your lips are sealed

**quake:** call me jemma

**mockingbirds-husband:** not comforting

**quake:** seriously, i got this

**quake:** baby huntingbird will remain a secret

**quake:** we are all super secret spies, right? ;)

**mockingbirds-husband:** yup

**mockingbirds-husband:** thanks daisy :)

**quake:** ily stupid

**mockingbirds-husband:** ilyt

**mockingbirds-husband:** but i have to go cuddle my wife

**mockingbirds-husband:** good luck with bonnie & clyde

**quake:** o, fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit shorter than the others! I wanted to set up some ~story arcs~ and shit. Please note I'm not labelling this work as incomplete because it stresses me tf out, but there are likely more chapters coming as I think of more to say. If you have characters you want to see show up or you just want to talk with me, hit me up on [tumblr](https://huntxngbxrd.tumblr.com/)!


	4. Kasius Why Did You Have An Effect On My Subconscious

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful** has started a private chat with  **sinara**

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara I Have A Problem

**sinara:** you have several problems, but continue

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Am Becoming Fond Of The Terrans

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Please Advise

**sinara:** no.

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** But You Are My Only Friend

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Are You Not Supposed To Speak With Friends About Emotions

**sinara:** stop.

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** But Sinara

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** You Swore An Oath To Me

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** You Are Officially The Worst Girlfriend Ever

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** And I Do Not Even Like You

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** That Was A Lie

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** But I Thought It Would Make You Respond

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Should Have Learned Not To Underestimate You

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Hate You

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **the-pied-piper**

 

**quake:** hi

**the-pied-piper:** hi

**quake:** how do you feel about italian?

**the-pied-piper:** love it!

**quake:** ok, great

**the-pied-piper:** :)

**quake:** is it friday yet?

**the-pied-piper:** nope, it’s still tuesday ;)

**quake:** seventy-two whole hours gahhh

**quake:** tbh i’ve never been this excited for a date before

**the-pied-piper:** i’m blushing

**quake:** i’m serious

**quake:** you’re like, way out of my league

**the-pied-piper:** says the girl who has saved the world on multiple occasions

**quake:** …

**quake:** but you radiate Gay Energy

**the-pied-piper:** please stop talking like kasius

**quake:** omg i didn’t even realize

**quake:** Kasius Why Did You Have An Effect On My Subconscious

**the-pied-piper:** stopppp

**the-pied-piper:** but really, daisy. you’re like, the best

**the-pied-piper:** and i’m really excited, too

**quake:** brb gotta go turn into a pile of mush

**the-pied-piper:** :)

 

**simmons** has started a private chat with  **fitz**

 

**simmons:** basil

**simmons:** pine nuts

**simmons:** lemon

**simmons:** mayonnaise

**simmons:** garlic

**fitz:** grocery list?

**simmons:** yes

**fitz:** milk

**fitz:** bread

**fitz:** sour patch kids

**fitz:** potato chips

**fitz:** chocolate 

**fitz:** cadbury if we can find it

**simmons:** we need more healthy food

**fitz:** milk is healthy

**fitz:** bread is healthy

**simmons:** continue living in denial if you wish, leo

**simmons:** buffalo mozzarella

**simmons:** prosciutto

 

**yo-yo-yo** has started a private chat with  **mack-attack**

 

**yo-yo-yo:** worst pick up lines, go

**mack-attack:** was your mother a beaver? cuz  _ dam _

**yo-yo-yo:** that’s 6/10, do better

**mack-attack:** do i want a one or a ten

**yo-yo-yo:** _ worst _ pick up lines, you want a 1

**yo-yo-yo:** i expected more from you, turtle man

**mack-attack:** anyone ever tell you you’ve got one shell of a body?

**yo-yo-yo:** you just used a turtle-related pick-up line

**mack-attack:** yes

**yo-yo-yo:** we’re done here

**mack-attack:** like, good done or bad done

**yo-yo-yo:** idek mack

**yo-yo-yo:** a turtle-themed pick-up line

**yo-yo-yo:** what has the world come to

 

**caps-biggest-fan** has started a private chat with  **mulan-rouge**

 

**caps-biggest-fan:** four o’clock and all is well

**mulan-rouge:** coulson

**mulan-rouge:** i do not need hourly updates

**mulan-rouge:** i would know before you did if there was another group chat

**caps-biggest-fan:** true

**caps-biggest-fan:** do you think daisy’s mad?

**mulan-rouge:** disappointed, maybe, but not mad

**caps-biggest-fan:** maybe i was a bit too harsh

**mulan-rouge:** give them a day or two more to breathe

**mulan-rouge:** maybe they’ll all have forgotten about group chats by tomorrow

**caps-biggest-fan:** i thought i was the optimist in this relationship

**mulan-rouge:** you’re right, i’ll go back to doom and gloom

**caps-biggest-fan:** nooooo

**caps-biggest-fan:** i like happy mel

**mulan-rouge:** :)

**mulan-rouge:** if you screenshot that i will break your arm

**caps-biggest-fan:** yes dear

 

**mockingbird** has started a private chat with  **mockingbirds-husband**

 

**mockingbird:** hi

**mockingbirds-husband:** hi

**mockingbirds-husband:** is there a reason you’re messaging me when i’m literally in the next room

**mockingbird:** yes

**mockingbird:** just shut up for like ten seconds

**mockingbirds-husband:** okay

**mockingbird:** it is easier to text about feelings than talk about them

**mockingbird:** and i wanted you to know i am very, very scared

**mockingbird:** and i don’t want you to go

**mockingbird:** but i know that you have to go 

**mockingbird:** so i’m just going to say i love you. and don’t die. please.

**mockingbird:** there. that was one whole feeling i just expressed

**mockingbirds-husband:** can i come hug you?

**mockingbird:** i might cry

**mockingbirds-husband:** i can live with that

 

**hellbeast** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**hellbeast:** hey so i was in hell

**quake:** as one often is

**hellbeast:** cállate

**quake:** no hablar español

**hellbeast:** shut up

**hellbeast:** i’m trying to introduce an important plot element

**quake:** continue

**hellbeast:** well when i was there i found this girl who said she was a friend of yours

**hellbeast:** and the rider was all like ‘she didn’t deserve to die’

**hellbeast:** so i was like ‘cool, let’s bring her back from hell’

**hellbeast:** so yeah. feliz navidad

**quake:** it’s april

**hellbeast:** i thought you didn’t speak spanish

**quake:** feliz navidad doesn’t count

 

**flower-girl** has joined the private chat

 

**flower-girl:** did i miss my entrance?

**flower-girl:** surprise bitch

**flower-girl:** i bet you thought you’d seen the last of me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mucho short, but I needed it to set up the plot that is apparently now going to be a thing? 
> 
> Why do I do this to myself


	5. Kasius You Are Not Very Nice

**caps-biggest-fan** has created the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

**caps-biggest-fan** has added  **mulan-rouge, quake, fitz, simmons, yo-yo-yo, the-pied-piper,** and  **davis** to the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**caps-biggest-fan:** okay kids

**caps-biggest-fan:** you can have a group chat, but play nice

**quake:** finallyyyyy it’s been like three days

**quake:** you forgot bobbi and hunter :(

 

**caps-biggest-fan** has added  **mockingbird** and  **mockingbirds-husband** to the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**quake:** and robbie

**quake:** oh, and i guess we should add raina too…

**mack-attack:** raina, like that inhuman who died raina?

**quake:** okay like half the people in this chat have died, so jot that down

**caps-biggest-fan:** i already am regretting this

**quake:** no ragrets dad

**the-pied-piper:** at least kasius and sinara aren’t here

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful** has joined the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

**sinara** has joined the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**the-pied-piper:** i swear i don’t do this on purpose

**simmons:** the statistical impossibility of them continuing to enter at comedically-appropriate times is stunning

**fitz:** idk, i don’t think it’s very comedic

**fitz:** it’s just predictable

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Did You Just Call Me Predictable

**fitz:** yes

**quake:** dude, that’s not the worst thing we’ve said

**quake:** it’s not even the worst thing we’ve said to your face

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** It Hurt My Feelings

**quake:** that’s so sad

**quake:** alexa play despacito

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** What Is Despacito

**yo-yo-yo:** a song that only i know the words to

**mack-attack:** hey, i speak spanish too

**quake:** i know all the words to despacito

**quake:** i have no idea what they  _ mean _

 

**quake** has added  **hellbeast** to the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**quake:** robbie do you know the lyrics to despacito

**hellbeast:** are you all the source of 99% of my problems?

**quake:** will take that as a yes

**hellbeast:** of course it’s a yes

**quake:** hey bobbi, you speak spanish!

**quake:** bobbiiiii

**quake:** :(

**mack-attack:** she’s probably just busy

**quake:** hunterrrr

**mack-attack:** i know this may hard to believe

**mack-attack:** but hunter is occasionally busy as well

**quake:** never with anything important

**mack-attack:** … you do realize hunter was once a part of one of an elite special forces units, right?

**mack-attack:** like, i have fun shitting on him too

**mack-attack:** but the dude has a skill set

**yo-yo-yo:** do i need to be worried

**mack-attack:** i’m not into hunter

**quake:** that’s so sad

**quake:** alexa play despacito

**mack-attack:** what is sad about that???

**quake:** idk

**quake:** i just wanted to confuse kasius more

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** That Is Not Very Nice

**quake:** Kasius You Are Not Very Nice

**quake:** oh, speaking of not very nice people i should add raina before i forget

**quake:** apparently she’s “my responsibility”

**quake:** thanks robbie

**hellbeast:** you’re welcome

 

**quake** has added  **flower-girl** to the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**quake:** robbie, you really do need to change your name

**quake:** i keep thinking you’re bobbi and i need her answer about despacito

 

**hellbeast** has changed his name to  **not bobbi**

 

**flower-girl:** what is despacito?

**quake:** oh, it’s something that happened when you were dead

**quake:** robbie do i have to teach her things?

**quake:** like when you say my responsibility, does that mean like, 30% mine? Or 40%?

**not bobbi:** 100%

**quake:** i didn’t ask for you to bring her back from hell!

**not bobbi:** she’s your friend!

**quake:** i use the term friend very, very lightly

**quake:** more like occasional ally

**davis:** you know what i’ve noticed

**davis:** all these groups chats are just daisy talking with like, two other people

**the-pied-piper:** davis, that’s how all group chats are

**the-pied-piper:** there’s always the people who read but don’t comment

**mack-attack:** have you never been in a group chat, dude

**davis:** none that i’ve actually wanted to be a part of

**davis:** it was just an observation

**simmons:** it was a good observation! 

**simmons:** the next step in the scientific method is to create a hypothesis based on your observation

**davis:** uh… hypothesis, daisy is the only one in the chat we all know and like?

**simmons:** and how would you test your hypothesis?

**mack-attack:** english, this isn’t science class

**mack-attack:** leave davis alone

**simmons:** i was just trying to encourage scientific curiosity…

**fitz:** science rules, mack!

**mack-attack:** thank you, bill blot the science scot

**fitz:** that wasn’t supposed to be a bill nye reference

**fitz:** but i’ll accept it

**simmons:** your rhyming skills aren’t very good

**simmons:** blot?

**mack-attack:** i was working on a tight schedule, okay?

**mack-attack:** i didn’t want the conversation to move on and my amazing joke to be lost

**yo-yo-yo:** he does have a tendency to be too slow

 

**yo-yo-yo** has changed  **mack-attack** ’s name to  **turtle man**

 

**turtle man:** thank you, elena

**turtle man:** i so appreciate you telling everyone i am a slowpoke

**yo-yo-yo:** te amo <3

**davis:** but back to what i was saying

**davis:** 4 people in this chat haven’t even spoken

**mulan-rouge:** i may not talk, but i am always watching

**mulan-rouge:** do you really think coulson trusts you unsupervised

**davis:** make that 3

**davis:** new hypothesis: talking about how people don’t talk equally in group chat will make everyone speak more

**simmons:** fantastic work agent davis!

**turtle man:** i’m going to go hit my head against a wall

**sinara:** i’ll help.

**turtle man:** no thanks

**davis:** 2

**simmons:** it’s just bobbi and hunter, yes?

**davis:** yes

**simmons:** perhaps they’re asleep? 

**the-pied-piper:** they said they don’t sleep

**turtle man:** they’re liars

**simmons:** it would be midnight where they are

**the-pied-piper:** oh shit is it seven?

**the-pied-piper:** i gtg

**davis:** honestly, i just want everyone to have spoken at least once

**simmons:** maybe when they wake up bobbi and hunter will chime in

**turtle man:** you know if hunter sees you want him to talk he won’t

**turtle man:** he’s a little shit

**simmons:** i forget sometimes how long you’ve known bobbi and hunter

**turtle man:** sometimes i wish  _ i _ could forget how long i’ve known bobbi and hunter

**davis:** that’s not very nice

**simmons:** oh, agent davis

**simmons:** you have so much to learn about how we express affection on this team

 

**mockingbird** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**mockingbird:** hey, saw there’s a new group chat. you happy?

**quake:** yes, very! are you not going to say anything there?

**mockingbird:** nah

**quake:** everything okay?

**mockingbird:** it’s nothing

**mockingbird:** have fun on your date

**quake:** i will!

**mockingbird:** let me know how it went when you get back. :)

**quake:** will you still be awake?

**mockingbird:** probably

**mockingbird:** baby bird is not a fan of sleep. it’s inconvenient

**quake:** at least you have hunter to keep you company

**mockingbird:** yeah

**quake:** okay, i gtg! 

**mockingbird:** go get em tiger

 

**mockingbird** has started a private chat with  **the-pied-piper**

 

**mockingbird:** hello

**the-pied-piper:** hi

**mockingbird:** daisy johnson is my precious angel child

**mockingbird:** and if you hurt her, make no mistake: i will hurt you

**mockingbird:** clear?

**the-pied-piper:** as crystal

**mockingbird:** have a nice date :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have listened to Despacito nonstop for the last two hours send help
> 
> Pipsy date will be posted before the week is out! But first I need to figure out what I'm going to call the series of Kasius Why-related fics... What am I doing? 
> 
> Hit me up on [tumblr](https://huntxngbxrd.tumblr.com/)~


	6. Kasius You Are The Biggest Loser In This Chat

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mockingbird**

 

**quake:** bobbi

**quake:** she’s so funny

**quake:** and so badass

**quake:** and i really like her

**quake:** and her lips are so soft

**quake:** fjask;dlfjasldf

**quake:** what do i do now

**mockingbird:** well generally, if you had a good time on a date, you ask for a second one.

**quake:** but what if she doesn’t like me?

**mockingbird:** she likes you, daisy.

**quake:** but does she  _ like _ like me?

**mockingbird:** i… 

**mockingbird:** i’m not even going to dignify that with a response

**quake:** but bobbi

**mockingbird:** don’t ‘but bobbi’ me

**mockingbird:** i give great romantic advice

**quake:** you know, i always did wonder how the divorcee became our relationship guru

**mockingbird:** thanks, daisy.

**quake:** i didn’t mean it like that

**quake:** don’t be angry

**mockingbird:** i’m not angry

**quake:** you sound angry

**mockingbird:** you can’t even hear my voice

**quake:** but is it angry

**mockingbird:** you’re changing the subject

**quake:** no,  _ you’re _ changing the subject

**mockingbird:** i already told you. i’m not angry

**mockingbird:** now go ask piper on another date

**quake:** yes, mom

**quake:** omg i can now call you that

**quake:** because you have a small child inside of you

**quake:** when do you get a sonogram???

**mockingbird:** probably never

**quake:** what

**quake:** bobbi no

**quake:** think about baby bird!

**mockingbird:** what do you think i’m doing, daisy?

**mockingbird:** in case you’ve forgotten, i’m still being tailed by an entire alphabet of agencies

**mockingbird:** i’m trying my best here, but prenatal care is not exactly easy to get right now

**mockingbird:** and my baby bird means everything to me

**mockingbird:** so back the fuck off

**quake:** okay

**quake:** i’m sorry

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mockingbirds-husband**

 

**quake:** so i may have accidentally pissed your wife off

**quake:** and i didn’t mean to, i promise

**quake:** but like… sorry

**quake:** and let me know if she’s okay?

**quake:** she seemed really upset and i don’t really know what to do

**quake:** ...hunter?

**quake:** okay, i’m going to assume that you’re comforting bobbi now

**quake:** but when convenient, please let me know things are alright

 

in the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**quake:** what’s up losers

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Am Not A Loser

**quake:** Kasius You Are The Biggest Loser In This Chat

**simmons:** that’s saying quite a lot, since hunter is in this chat as well

**mack-attack:** simmons, wtf

**mack-attack:** i thought you liked hunter

**simmons:** yes, but i thought that teasing hunter was something we did?

 

**mockingbird** has left the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**simmons:** i didn’t mean to upset anyone

**davis:** it’s a little weird bobbi left but hunter didn’t

**quake:** yeah…

**quake:** but maybe we shouldn’t rag on people when they’re not around to defend themselves?

**quake:** this is supposed to be fun :(

**mack-attack:** we all know bobbi has a flair for the dramatic

**mack-attack:** we’ll just add her back tomorrow

**quake:** okay…

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mockingbird**

 

**quake:** okay, seriously, bobbi

**quake:** what’s going on?

**quake:** i’m worried about you.

**mockingbird:** nothing’s going on. 

**mockingbird:** i’m just tired and hormonal

**mockingbird:** in approximately that order.

**quake:** i know you’re lying.

**mockingbird:** i’m not lying. 

**quake:** fine. don’t tell me what’s wrong.

**mockingbird:** nothing’s wrong!

**quake:** i know you’ve probably forgotten

**quake:** but there are these things called ‘friends’

**quake:** and when you’re having a hard time, you talk to them instead of bottling it in and storming out of group chats.

**mockingbird:** i’m going to bed. 

**mockingbird:** we can talk about this in the morning.

**quake:** fine.

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mack-attack**

 

**quake:** how long have you been friends with bobbi?

**mack-attack:** ten years? maybe eleven?

**quake:** okay

**mack-attack:** why?

**quake:** i just have this really bad feeling that she’s not okay

**quake:** and she won’t tell me anything

**quake:** and hunter won’t answer my messages

**quake:** and i thought maybe you might have an easier time of getting her to talk

**mack-attack:** tremors

**mack-attack:** your heart is in the right place, but you gotta remember

**mack-attack:** when bobbi gets overwhelmed, or scared, she builds walls

**mack-attack:** and no one, not even hunter, gets past those walls.

**mack-attack:** pushing her more is just going to end with everyone hurting.

**mack-attack:** and i know you just want to help

**mack-attack:** but giving her a little bit of space will do more good than sending another person after her.

**quake:** okay. i just really don’t feel good about this, mack

**mack-attack:** is she in danger?

**quake:** i don’t think so

**mack-attack:** then let it rest.

**mack-attack:** it’ll work out. i promise.

**quake:** okay. :(

 

**mack-attack** has started a private chat with  **yo-yo-yo**

 

**mack-attack:** do you ever give someone advice and then wonder if you did the right thing?

**yo-yo-yo:** not often, no.

**yo-yo-yo:** why?

**mack-attack:** daisy asked me about bobbi, and i’m worried that i’m making things worse

**mack-attack:** but i know bobbi, and the way daisy rolls just doesn’t work for her

**yo-yo-yo:** mi amor, you’re doing the best you can, just like the rest of us.

**yo-yo-yo:** i trust you did the right thing.

**mack-attack:** you don’t even know what i did

**yo-yo-yo:** but i know you. and you are not the kind of person who acts without thinking. whatever advice you gave was thought-through

**yo-yo-yo:** and that’s all we can really ask for.

**mack-attack:** you’re right.

**mack-attack:** i guess worry is kind of contagious.

**yo-yo-yo:** come to bed. things will look better in the morning.

 

**the-pied-piper** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**the-pied-piper:** so

**the-pied-piper:** i really liked having dinner with you!

**the-pied-piper:** and i would like to do it again, sometime.

**the-pied-piper:** if that’s okay with you?

**quake:** that is definitely more than okay with me

**quake:** is next weekend okay?

**the-pied-piper:** it is! same time, different place?

**quake:** sounds good to me!

**quake:** you pick the place?

**the-pied-piper:** roger that

**quake:** :)

**the-pied-piper:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so... I was going to write the Pipsy date but then I didn't, and I wrote this instead. And I uh, kind of made it a lot more intense than I meant to? Woops.


	7. Kasius Just Shut Up

_ three days ago _

 

**mockingbirds-husband** has started a private chat with  **mockingbird**

 

**mockingbirds-husband:** sos

**mockingbird:** location?

**mockingbird:** hunter, where are you?

**mockingbird:** hunter. you can’t send me a message like that and then not respond

**mockingbird:** this isn’t funny

**mockingbird:** you’re scaring me

**mockingbird:** lance, please answer me

**mockingbird:** please

 

_ present day _

 

**mockingbird** has started a private chat with  **mulan-rouge**

 

**mulan-rouge:** ...yes?

**mockingbird:** i have a personal question for you.

**mulan-rouge:** then you might get a personal answer. or no answer.

**mockingbird:** if you had to choose between daisy and coulson, who would you choose?

**mulan-rouge:** daisy.

**mulan-rouge:** it’s what phil would want.

**mulan-rouge:** why?

**mockingbird:** no reason

**mulan-rouge:** you don’t do things for no reason, bobbi

**mockingbird:** i have to make a choice, and i don’t know what to do

**mockingbird:** and explaining everything is out of the question

**mockingbird:** and you and daisy and coulson are the closest metaphor i have

**mulan-rouge:** you have a habit of thinking you can’t explain things when people would be so much happier just to know what was going on

**mockingbird:** i can’t.

**mulan-rouge:** so in this metaphor, i’m you, phil is hunter, and daisy is?

**mockingbird:** someone else who is important to me

**mockingbird:** you don’t know them

**mulan-rouge:** uh huh

**mulan-rouge:** well, you know hunter and this third party better than i do

**mulan-rouge:** every choice comes with a cost, bobbi

**mulan-rouge:** just consider what you’re willing to pay.

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mockingbird**

 

**quake:** so, it’s morning.

**mockingbird:** it is.

**quake:** are you ready to talk?

**mockingbird:** sure.

**mockingbird:** fair warning, i got like two hours of sleep and spent the whole morning puking up my toast

**quake:** pukey and tired, got it

**quake:** so, something’s wrong with hunter?

**mockingbird:** you talked to may?

**quake:** no. you told may what was happening?

**mockingbird:** no, but i asked her a question

**mockingbird:** about coulson

**mockingbird:** except coulson was hunter and

**mockingbird:** it’s hard to explain

**quake:** but what’s wrong with hunter?

**mockingbird:** i think he’s dead.

**quake:** no

**mockingbird:** [screenshot.jpg]

**mockingbird:** he sent that three days ago

**mockingbird:** he was supposed to be back already

**quake:** bobbi…

**mockingbird:** you don’t need to try to make me feel better

**mockingbird:** i’d rather not be optimistic. that only makes it hurt more

**quake:** okay

**quake:** i’m so sorry

**quake:** and i’m sorry if i made it worse

**mockingbird:** it’s fine

**mockingbird:** i just

**mockingbird:** what do i do, daisy?

**quake:** i don’t know

**quake:** can i tell mack?

**mockingbird:** i guess

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mack-attack**

 

**quake:** remember how i was worried about bobbi?

**quake:** she’s having a baby and also hunter might be dead

**quake:** she really needs you.

 

**mack-attack** has started a private chat with  **caps-biggest-fan**

 

**mack-attack:** sir, can i have permission to leave the base for a week?

**caps-biggest-fan:** reason?

**mack-attack:** family emergency

**caps-biggest-fan:** ...granted

**caps-biggest-fan:** but only because i know you won’t take advantage of my benevolence

**mack-attack:** no sir

 

**mack-attack** has started a private chat with  **mockingbird**

 

**mack-attack:** where are you?

**mockingbird:** what?

**mack-attack:** give me your address.

**mockingbird:** no

**mockingbird:** mack that’s not okay

**mockingbird:** someone will see and then everything will be bad

**mockingbird:** i’m fine

**mack-attack:** barbara, don’t give me that bullshit

**mockingbird:** i only told daisy she could tell you because i thought you’d be sensible about it

**mack-attack:** what part of letting you suffer alone is  _ sensible _

**mockingbird:** the part where it doesn’t lead to shield getting in legal trouble!

**mack-attack:** barbara ann morse, give me your address right now or so help me god, i will have daisy find it for me

**mockingbird:** she can’t find it

**mack-attack:** you really want to chance that?

**mockingbird:** fine.

 

**mack-attack** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**mack-attack:** i’m going to stay with bobbi for a week

**mack-attack:** i’ll keep you updated on things

**quake:** elena know?

**mack-attack:** yeah, and she thinks it’ll be good for me, too

**quake:** be safe

**mack-attack:** yup. try to control the group chat, would you?

 

in the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**simmons:** so, are we adding bobbi back now?

**quake:** no

**simmons:** okayyyy

**quake:** and we’re also not going to make more jokes about hunter

**fitz:** why not?

**quake:** cuz i’m the ruler of this chat, and i say so

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** I Am The Ruler Of This Chat

**quake:** Kasius Just Shut Up

**yo-yo-yo:** amen

**hellbeast:** that word, it burns

**flower-girl:** why is he like this

**flower-girl:** can you just like, take me back to hell

**flower-girl:** please

**davis:** there is so much melodrama in this chat

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** It Is Not Melodrama If It Is True

**yo-yo-yo:** oh my god

**hellbeast:** owww

**quake:** robbie, shut up

**quake:** ...  actually, i have an idea

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **hellbeast**

 

**quake:** i need a favor

**hellbeast:** no

**quake:** you don’t even know what i’m going to say

**hellbeast:** yes i do

**hellbeast:** you want me to go to hell for some reason

**quake:** okay, yes

**quake:** but keep in mind i did not ask you to get raina

**quake:** she’s like, a parasite or something

**hellbeast:** the answer is still no

**quake:** but it’s important

**quake:** and i don’t need you to bring anyone back. just see if someone’s there

**hellbeast:** fine

**hellbeast:** who?

**quake:** his name is lance hunter

**quake:** [hunter.jpg]

**quake:** he would’ve died in the last three days

**hellbeast:** i’ll see what i can do

 

In the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**the-pied-piper:** so, just to be clear

**the-pied-piper:** bobbi’s not in this chat, but hunter is

**quake:** right. and sinara’s still here even though she doesn’t talk

**quake:** which, tbh, is not a bad thing

**davis:** can we just do a role call?

**davis:** i need a new hypothesis to test

**simmons:** i am so proud of my baby scientist!

**davis:** i’m not a baby

**simmons:** shhh let me be proud of you

**quake:** literally everything is the same as yesterday except no bobbi. 

**quake:** coulson, may, fitz, simmons, yo-yo, mack, me, robbie, piper, davis, hunter, kasius, sinara, and raina are all here.

**davis:** that’s so many people

**quake:** chaos is fun

**fitz:** the universe tends towards entropy

**davis:** i’m still waiting for hunter to talk

**quake:** don’t hold your breath

**davis:** i thought he was the one that never shuts up

**quake:** drop it.

**the-pied-piper:** yikes

 

**hellbeast** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**hellbeast:** daisy

**quake:** robbie

**hellbeast:** i’m sorry

**hellbeast:** he’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to wait to post this chapter, but I'm weak.
> 
> Also, sorry?


	8. Kasius I’m Too Tired To Deal With You

**quake** has started a private chat with  **hellbeast**

 

**quake:** okay, so it’s been a week

**quake:** so i’m going to ask you for another favor.

**hellbeast:** no.

**quake:** do you enjoy making people miserable!?

**hellbeast:** no, but i’m obligated to keep the natural order of things.

**quake:** how was bringing raina back keeping the natural order?

**quake:** we’re in a group chat with blue aliens from the future who are also dead

**quake:** that’s not fucking ‘order’

**quake:** i’m serious. you only seem to use the whole ‘order’ excuse when you don’t want to do something.

**hellbeast:** if i say yes now, then you’re just going to keep asking me to bring people back.

**quake:** no, i won’t.

**hellbeast:** can you promise that?

**quake:** listen, the only other person i’d want to bring back is trip

**quake:** and i doubt he even went to hell in the first place

**quake:** or even give me the rider and i’ll go my damn self.

**hellbeast:** i’m not giving you the rider.

**hellbeast:** i doubt he’d even take you.

**hellbeast:** stop asking, daisy. i’m serious.

**quake:** fuck serious. i just want to have my friends back so we can keep fucking around and making fun of kasius

**hellbeast:** fine.

**quake:** fine what?

**hellbeast:** i’ll go get your stupid friend

**hellbeast:** but these things don’t come free.

**quake:** whatever the price is, i’ll pay it.

**hellbeast:** not you. him.

**hellbeast:** if he decides the cost is too high, i can’t force him

**quake:** hunter will come back.

**hellbeast:** are you sure?

**quake:** i’m sure. 

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mack-attack**

 

**quake:** so robbie said he’ll bring hunter back from hell.

**mack-attack:** i’m not telling bobbi that

**mack-attack:** i don’t want to get her hopes up

**quake:** i thought you said she was doing okay?

**mack-attack:** the thing with bobbi is, the more okay she seems, the less okay she actually is

**mack-attack:** she’s not letting herself feel anything

**mack-attack:** you know how dangerous that is

**quake:** yeah, i do

**mack-attack:** at least she’s not dying her hair black and wearing goth makeup

**quake:** _ that was one time _

**mack-attack:** i know, tremors, i was there

**quake:** you’re the worst partner ever

**mack-attack:** that’s not what elena says

**mack-attack:** also, you shopped at hot topic

**mack-attack:** unforgivable

**quake:** don’t knock hot topic

**quake:** anyways that’s really not the point

**quake:** just know that hunter’s showing up soon

**mack-attack:** well, i’m set to leave this afternoon

**mack-attack:** so it better be snappy

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **flower-girl**

 

**quake:** raina

**quake:** when you came back from hell, what price did you have to pay?

**flower-girl:** excuse me?

**quake:** robbie said coming back from hell had a price. what was yours?

**flower-girl:** i don’t dream anymore.

**flower-girl:** my one gift, taken from me.

**quake:** well damn.

**quake:** and where did your body go?

**flower-girl:** i’m not an expert on logistics, daisy

**flower-girl:** but i came home.

**quake:** and where would that be?

**quake:** since you’re like, my responsibility or something

**flower-girl:** you don’t need to know that.

**quake:** so is this you saying i don’t have to look after you?

**flower-girl:** not in so many words

**flower-girl:** but i don’t think our stories are intertwined anymore.

**quake:** i guess i never did thank you

**quake:** for dying for me.

**quake:** so, uh, thanks.

**flower-girl:** it was my destiny.

**quake:** do you want to be, like, real friends?

**quake:** not best friends, but more than just like, grudging allies

**flower-girl:** i doubt we have any common ground.

**quake:** can you just stay in the group chat? please?

**flower-girl:** i never said i’d leave.

**quake:** it was implied.

**flower-girl:** and now it’s not. i’ll stay

**quake:** thank you

 

**the-pied-piper** has started a private chat with  **quake**

 

**the-pied-piper:** soooo i think we probably should talk about last night?

**quake:** ???

**the-pied-piper:** you kind of stood me up?

**quake:** oh shit oh shit oh shit

**quake:** i’m so so so so so so sorry

**quake:** this week has been super shitty and i just

**quake:** wow. i’m so sorry.

**quake:** how can i make it up to you?

**the-pied-piper:** well, telling me what’s going on might be a place to start.

**the-pied-piper:** you’re being really shady and everyone’s kind of worried

**quake:** it’s really not my story to tell

**quake:** but things are getting sorted out really soon

**quake:** and then hopefully you’ll understand.

**quake:** i know that’s a bad answer but

**quake:** i really am sorry.

 

in the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** You Terrans Have Been Quiet Lately

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Pay Attention To Me

**quake:** Kasius I’m Too Tired To Deal With You

**quake:** sinara this is your job

**quake:** be useful

**sinara:** no.

**kasius-the-great-and-powerful:** Sinara Does Not Take Orders From Terrans

**yo-yo-yo:** every day i just want to kill you two more

**yo-yo-yo:** god grant me patience

**hellbeast:** ow

**quake:** you’re back!!!

**hellbeast:** yeah, and i brought a friend

 

**hellbeast** has added  **guest329841** to the chat  _ i’m going to regret this _

 

**guest329841:** aw, c’mon, how come i don’t get a cool username?

**hellbeast:** did you have a username before you died?

**guest329841:** um, no

**hellbeast:** then that’s why

 

**guest329841** has changed their display name to  **trip**

 

**simmons:** whaaaaaaaaat

**trip:** gather around kiddos

**trip:** uncle trip is going to tell you about the time a clerical error sent him to hell

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **hellbeast**

 

**quake:** i am going to very pointedly ignore the fact that you brought another person back from hell without asking first, despite having said your job is to preserve the natural order of things. cuz i’m cool like that

**quake:** but i hope you note my excessively long sentence and the anger and disappointment it is meant to convey.

**hellbeast:** noted

**hellbeast:** also, i was only correcting a clerical error

**hellbeast:** and since i can’t portal into heaven, i decided i’d just give trip the chance to go there when he’s done the second time.

**hellbeast:** also, he’s hot.

**quake:** you’re a horny devil

**hellbeast:** that’s not funny

**quake:** shut up, it totally is

**quake:** did you bring back hunter or not?

**quake:** because i swear if you tell me he didn’t accept the price or whatever, i’m gonna fucking lose it

**hellbeast:** i brought him back, don’t worry

**quake:** good

 

**quake** has started a private chat with  **mack-attack**

 

**mack-attack:** was just about to message you. 

**mack-attack:** hunter’s back

**quake:** oh thank god

**mack-attack:** i have never seen bobbi cry that much

**quake:** i’m just glad this whole mess was sorted out

**quake:** now all is right in the world

**mack-attack:** at least until tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


End file.
